One of my most favorite poems "Mixed Sketches" by Don L. Lee has been with me for the past few weeks. Lee perfectly describes that funny feeling you get when someone's 'revolution' or personal crisis creates confusion instead of order, and when patience is anything but a virture. I have to contend though, because having said all this... I've since changed my mind.
I now see how grief & pain should spark a person to turn hurt into happy (instead of being twisted by its bitterness). I used to read that poem and enjoy the mental imagery it helped create, and then later articulate that image into a painting. Now, I understand life's 'mixed sketches.'
Last month my mother transitioned from this life & went on to the next. Although it was something I thought I had mentally readied myself for--nothing can really prepare one for the deafening quiet that death leaves. She'd been very ill for more than 5 years so her death wasn't unexpected. In fact earlier this year, I told myself that I should expect to feel: confused, tortured, or maybe even severely depressed. But no. Death spills an eery quiet into your lap, that is as loose as liquid hot water, and expects you to just deal with it...because there is no other option really. Not knowing what to do with a heavy sack full of nothingness, I found myself praying one night. And as I was shaking my fist to the Creator, feeling more & more lost, & more & more angry--I suddenly realized that I was slipping into my own aching quiet by not living the life my mother gave me. I made a strategic decision to live in life--not just walk through it. I had to become in-tune to the fact that I was conversing with G-d, the great Creator & Maker of all things...and doing all the talking. As soon as I shut up and listened , I found peace to my questions. And although my eyes well with tears even now at the thought of my mom's smile, my soul has stopped aching as hard as it was.
I released the anger that was building and let light and joy seep down into my bones again. I felt my soul rekindling...I felt myself being refined in ash like some fiery phoenix creature. I didn't realize that resentment and anger had given me a huge artistic block! That night (as I lay there praying) I changed the compass tilt of my mind.
In a surprise that only life can give I've since found my soulmate and opened myself up to creativity, passion, and the good work these hands can do again. I'm so pleased that I can express in art, what words can not. :)
So here's my advise to you, the reader: Stay open to your re-birth & live in the sparkly part of life.
Till next time kids,